Carpet Tiles "A Major Contribution to Road Safety"

A statement issued yesterday by Luke Whatidunnow, Minister for Carpet Tiles, confirmed rumours that tests have been completed on the importance of carpet tiles in reducing traffic accidents.

Whatidunnow, previously Undersecretary of State for Nasal Hair, was appointed to this newly-created post following a cabinet shake-up during which he found a number of personal photographs featuring MPs of all parties (especially the ones that the police are unofficially invited to at 3.00am).

Speaking at a press conference yesterday, he laid out his vision for the role of the carpet tile in road safety. "The many and varied uses of carpet tiles have been largely overlooked for many years," he stated, drawing on his experience as a charter member of the Saddington and Fleckney Carpet Tile Appreciation Society. "In a carefully controlled experiment on an unidentified London Street, we replaced the traditional pedestrian crossing with one made of carpet tiles."

"As the photographs clearly show, the new crossing is not only more conspicuous, and hence safer, but it is also more comfortable to walk on in bare feet - an increasingly prevalent activity in our capital cities."

"More detailed analysis has been temporarily suspended following the theft of the crossing twenty minutes later, but early signs are encouraging."